The Persistent Irritation

I sit here irritated, agitated and ready to scream. All I want is a break that is long enough for me to enjoy it. The ache that is constant and the burn that overpowers you. The feeling as if your leg is in ice water but your skin is on fire. The inconsistent ups and downs that fill your day with doubt and discouragement. Never knowing if today will be a good day or if all your plans need to be canceled at the last minute. To not plan much because all it would do is hurt those around you if you have to let them down over and over. At times laying in bed and feeling so alone. So embarrassed at the fact that you can't even meet someone for lunch if it has been a really bad day. That you may have a dream but powerless to pursue it. That the dreams you have may not come true. The thought of giving up seems so great at times. But then there are times that through it all you have grown. You find your path, your purpose for the pain and the hurt. That in the end all you can think of is that no one should feel this. Feel this lost and useless. That you could do some good in this world. Do something to help others not feel so alone. Not feel like a waste or a burden. My life is hard but there is no reason for others to feel that way. I have found that that is my purpose. Helping others find the joy that was lost so long ago. Get their dreams and enjoyments back. Relating to them and trying to show them that there is hope. That we can make it. That we must push and push till we realize that our lives can be restarted. The pain may always be there, but we can find a new way of living. I know it is the hardest thing to do. To release and go on. All you need to know is that it can happen. Anyone can restart. All you have to do is let go. Let go of the past and fight. Fight harder than you've ever had to fight. And always remember to never give up. Never surrender.

"Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world."

~Harriet Tubman

"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength."
~Author Unknown

  

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.'"

~Eleanor Roosevelt 


-Rach

The Exuberant Ache

So, today was the 2nd post-op appointment with Dr. Phillips.  It went very well.  I got reprogrammed and I even met the new tech dude for this area.  His name is Sam and the main dude is Brian.  Programs 1 and 2 were working great so Sam just tweaked programs 3 and 4. Program 3 was stimulating my upper body and so it was brought down to the lower region of my right leg.  Program 4 was up in my left side around my stomach so that one got brought down but still covers from my toes to my stomach. I usually don't want it in my stomach because it is a really annoying feeling. But bodies shift and I always have a program set up if the area were to shift.  It helps some of the time. Especially during an intense fare-up where most of my body can hurt. Sam was really cool. He was impressed with me that I could guess the frequency by just the feeling of it.  The frequency is the faster or slower the stimulation goes.  He set it and it felt like a 50.  So I told him it was a 50 and I was totally right.  He was amazed at that. Then we finished up and closed the session and my remote transferred the updated data to the battery. 

 They left and Dr. Phillips came in to inspect the incisions and to remove the steri-strips. He also checked the middle of the spinal incision because, in the last few days, there has been a large lump growing.  It hurts but he is not too worried. He said to inform him if it gets bad but, overall, I am dong good and will see him in 2 weeks.  

In the meantime I am healing.  It has been 2 weeks and I am so sick of TV and laying in my bed for long periods of time. The nausea comes and goes and I am not taking that many pain killers anymore. In the meantime my headache doesn't go away for very long before it starts up again.  At least I am sleeping and eating well. Mom and dad have been getting back to work and they come home early sometimes so that Porthos can go potty and so they can help me make food. Normally they just put everything at arms length so I don't have to reach or bend (which are huge No No's) and so I can do a lot by myself. Also, I have had good support from my neighbors. Some of them have come over to help by chatting with me and taking Porthos out to go potty. It is very helpful. 

What is great is that an awesome friend is coming over tomorrow to help me out and hang out with me. We have not seen each other for quite sometime.  It will be good so mom and dad can get some things done. It really helps having people come over. It helps me not feel so alone. It seems that, overall, I am in a pretty good mood. Especially when I find something new and entertaining to watch on Netflix or Hulu.